The Millstone Lifted

This week so far has been a week of fulfillment. On Monday night I was informed that I passed my assessment of teaching assistant skills. Not only passed but I did quite well. Many people have asked me what I am going to do next.

I tell them I'm having a baby. But truthfully I don't know where I see myself in a year, or in the next 3 years. It all depends on where we decide to end up as a family. I hope that this is as important to Jarod as it is to me. I know he wants his PhD more than anything, a lot more than I want to go back to work. Although some days I would welcome the distraction from cleaning and discipline. His next degree could take us anywhere from Syracuse to Alberta or even Australia.

I guess eventually I would like to end up back in a classroom. Of course this decision is largely boosted by the affirmation of the score I received on my test. Had I not done so well I might have considered remaining in child care.

On Tuesday I worked my last official day of CoOp. I have put off writing about this lest I digress. There has been much drama over the upcoming clothing sale, including the fact that our current president wants me to work an extra shift. This in spite of the fact that I will be 37 weeks pregnant by that time. I said yes because I don't want to burn my bridges, but it feels good to be done working for them altogether. Now I have so much time off before the baby comes I'm not sure what to do with myself.

Everyone tells me to pamper myself, but I really need to clean the gutters, get the garden ready for spring, and clean out the garage. Besides, we can't afford for me to pamper myself the way I truly want to :)

Overall this relief from test and the CoOp have left me relaxed: a feeling I rarely come by. I hope to have this serenity to draw on during labor, as well as the more strenuous parts of my life. God gives us great joys in our life to sustain us through the depressions.

"You have changed my sadness into a joyful dance; you have taken away my sorrow and surrounded me with joy." ps 30:11

Some Impact Man

Just watched"No Impact Man" on Netflix and feeling like I need to respond. For the last month we have given up meat for Lent. Maybe it's because we still allow ourselves fish, or because we didn't eat meat that often to begin with but I don't feel like it's such a great loss. I don't miss cooking with it or eating it. In fact there were times where I often felt guilty for consuming meat.

I think of the impact that meat consumption has on our planet:

- Rainforests are depleted to make grazing grounds for cattle. This is a catastrophic and irreversable loss.

- Cornfields are devoted entirely to feed for chickens.

- Most meat comes wrapped in plastic

- Cattle produce the largest amount of methane in the world.

I am not so naive that I think that my actions can have a global impact, but it makes me feel better about what we're doing when I consider it on a grander scale.

So what is the next step? Once Easter is here we will go back to having the occasional burger or chicken soup. I don't think I could convince Jarod to keep up the diet. Over the summer there are many more possibilities for eco practices.

I plan on being more aggressive with the things that we already have in place. The composting will continue, as well as the use of the clothesline, and shopping locally at the market.

In the future I would like to try a vegetarian diet again, see how long i can go without going to Wal-Mart, and use cloth diapers for my baby's second year. I have also been intrigued by the use of homemade cleaning products (baking soda, castile soap, borax, and vinegar) and observing how this effects our budget and our trash output.

Bedrooms and Babies

Tonight I moved my son into his "Big Boy Room." It has been under construction for about two months, so the accomplishment probably meant more to me than to him. Although his reaction as I pushed his twin bed into the room, the final detail, was enough to tell me how much he treasured this experience. Although it is quite a bit smaller than his nursery this space is his and his alone. He does not have to share with a baby: he has eighty-four square feet all to himself.

After I put him to bed I stood in the nursery, the room that I had so painstakingly created for him. The mural, the pictures and posters on the wall, the curtains and carpet were all chosen specifically for him. For our first baby nothing was too good. I looked around and tried to imagine another child in that room. It felt unjust.

Not only was I taking away everything I had given my firstborn but I was giving it to a total stranger. I feel especially conflicted since I have done very little to prepare for this new baby. No paint colors were chosen, no laundry has been done (although I have 7 weeks left to do this), nothing makes this room "Miles' Room." It's still "Mark's Old Room."

And Mark is getting older. What a delight, what a comfort he has been to me in the last few years. There are many hours where I would not use these exact words to describe, but I can't imagine going through the rough parts of my life without him. I treasure him beyond words. I can't help but wonder if he will question my unconditional love for him when this new baby arrives. He seems to have adjusted well to the current situation, but in a few weeks we will see just how mature my little toddler is. I wish him the best in these difficult circumstances. I will always love him and be there to comfort and cheer him, as he has done for me, during this time of upheaval in his life.

To put it in perspective: the bedroom changes were slow going, but relatively simple to explain and to carry out. The emotional changes to come will evoke the true strength and patience that embodies a family.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature's first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

- Robert Frost

What is Lost

Thinking of all the things I've lost over the years may seem depressing. But what is in it's place must be considered as well.

I have lost many articles of clothing to my husband's laundry blunders: in their place are fun trips to Old Navy with friends and trendy outfits I would not have otherwise.

I have lost thirty pounds after my son was born: in it's place are stretch marks.

I have lost time with my friends: I have not lost time being drunk.

I have lost time with my husband: in place of this are dreams come true for both of us. For him a Master''s degree, for me a baby.

I have lost my temper more times than I can count: each time reminds me of why I must develop more self control.

I have lost games- all kinds- board games, card games, video games...: and gained a healthy dose of humility each time.

I have lost friends: who were not true friends to begin with.

I have lost dreams: only to find new ones, better and more fulfilling than I could imagine.

But there are many things I have not lost!

Faith, Passion for cooking, Sense of Humor, Wanderlust, Willingness to learn, Love for Hard Work, Concern for the Planet, and above all a taste for fine chocolate!